I, The 5-Minute God

Yesterday, I discovered something which shall be the envy of all who tend towards megalomania. Right here in the comfort of my own home, I unearthed a portal which, when entered, allows anyone to become omniscient as God and see what God sees for five entire minutes. It took me across the seven seas, and gave me glimpses into the living rooms, bedrooms and offices of the world to catch up with what humanity, the darlings of the Earth were up to. And here, is an inventory (and commentary) of what my eyes have seen:

1. Bored middle-aged Caucasian man in a dark room.
2. Bored middle-aged Arab man in a spare white room.
3. Bored punk with piercings (your body is a temple; if God were here instead of me, He would not be pleased).
4. Little blonde boy swinging on a swivel chair (where are your parents?).
5. Blonde teenage girl with the largest most marvelous eyes on earth (good job, God!).
6. Bored lady in her thirties.
7. Two dudes with guitars in what appears to be a garage.
8. Little girl on her bed (seriously parents, do a better job!).
9. Paper that says "I dare you show tits" (God would be displeased with the grammar and the sentiment).
10. An action figure on a table.
11. Asian student (let us play to stereotypes).
12. Chubby guy masturbating (if God were here instead of me, you'd so be going to hell).
13. Another guy (at least with with abs this time) desperate for The Eternal Fires.
14. Two laughing teenage girls (yeah i know right, Brindi has totally become a fat bitch after camp!).
15. Hot lesbians doing the nasty in a moodlit room (*became a fan*).
16. Spanish guy says "ola!" (he missed an "h" but I said "de donde eres? soy de filipinas." anyway)
17. Office with three employees at their desks.
18. Snake about to eat a chick (as in baby chicken, not babygal).
19. Cute teenage girl with brown hair and cute glasses.
20. If I were God, I wouldn't send you to hell anymore; that dinky little thing is punishment enough.
21. German guy with ski cap in a computer shop.
22. Grandmaw.
23. Tween on his bed.
24. Old guy licking his lips, saying "hi" (I shuddered in fear a bit before the portal whisked me away).
25. Frat guys laughing.
26. Two black guys looking intently in front of them.
27. Bored tween who looked kinda like Abigail Breslin (well hello, lil miss sunshine!).
28. Two teenaged guys playing some computer game (try a book before your brain rots).
29. Cleavage.
30. Guy who could seriously be a model.
31. Okay so men aren't the only ones God'll be damning (damn, shaved!).
32. Jonas Brothers on a TV screen.
33. Someone's crotch (methinks this is seconds before someone gets sent to hell by God).
34. Lady who looks like crayons threw up on her face (it's called a mirror).
35. Gothgals' slumber party (or Wiccan gathering? The power of three will set you free, babes).
36. Mother and child (well at least there's a parent, but good luck explaining all the hell-bound souls).
37. Nondescript blonde guy.
38. Big biker dude (will be getting out of your way now, sir).



And that was where my spin in the portal ended. Yes, those are five short minutes, when you're getting a kick out of being all-seeing like God. But after 10 minutes, you can start anew. Them's the rules on Chatroulette.